The One After Chandler and Monica's Wedding.
by Holly
Summary: My first fic. An alternative season 8 opener. *Please* read and review! :) :) :)


Body The One after Chandler and Monica's wedding 

Hey! This is my first fanfic! I have finally had enough time to write one, so please read and review. I can cope with bad reviews! ;) (But would prefer a good one!) 

DISCLAMIER; I do not own any of the characters except for the 2 barmen although the cute barmen is mentioned in TOW Rachel's big kiss!) 

CHAN: How can you not be pregnant? 

MON: Chandler 

CHAN: There was a pregnancy test in our trash a positive pregnancy test. 

MON: (confused) I swear to you; I haven't taken one. 

CHAN:So if you're not pregnant then who the hell is? 

[Over to the bridesmaids] 

PHOE: Chandler being a dad, my God. The stork must be on crack. 

RACH: Phoebs? 

PHOE: So now Monica's gonna have two children in the apartment! (Laughs at her own joke) 

RACH: (getting annoyed) PHOEBE! 

PHOE: I guess my curse on Chandler didn't work. 

RACH: Phoe HUH? 

PHOE: Yeah I cursed him with a low sperm count after he told me I would never make it in my mission to be the Queen of England. As if! I could EASIERLY kick that old woman's ass and take over her throne. I got a top that would go *great* with that crown as well 

RACH: (annoyed) PHOEBE! 

PHOE: Sorry! What? 

RACH: Can I tell you something? 

PHOE: Sure 

RACH: Well(whispers) OK um, please don't freak out. I can't keep this to myself anymore I'm the one that took that pregnancy test. 

PHOE: (Shouts in shock) YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S PREGNANT? 

[Everyone stares at Rachel in shock] 

CHAN: (to Monica) OK my money's on Rachel 

[Everyone is in shock. The music begins prompting the bride and groom to walk back down the aisle. They don't move.] 

PHOE: (trying to distract everyone) Um er ROSS IS IN LOVE WITH CHANDLER'S DAD! 

[The room turns to Ross in shock] 

JOEY: (shocked) Rachel's pregnant?! 

[Everyone turns back to Rachel] 

PHOE: (still attempting to distract everyone) ROSS WENT TO A SPICE GIRLS CONCERT AND 

MON: (total disbelief) Rachel is having a baby? 

[Rachel runs out of the room, Monica runs after her.] 

PHOE: Oh my God, what have I done? 

JOE: (trying to distract everyone) OK um if everyone would go to the reception cause food's gonna be served soon oh and if anyone doesn't like chicken just put it right in a doggy bag and pass it right on over to Joey. 

[Outside the museum] 

MON: (approaching Rachel, softly) Rach 

RACH: (crying) I'm sorry I ruined your wedding Mon. 

MON: So is it true? 

RACH: Yeah I guess well those tests can sometimes be wrong so 

MON: Why didn't you tell me or any of us? 

RACH: Cause it was the day before you're wedding and I didn't want to, you know, 'steal your thunder.' 

MON: (thinks) Wow I really was a spoilt bitch on my engagement night, Huh?! 

RACH: (smiles) Yeah you were! 

MON: Rach, (pause) OK it's just that you haven't dated anyone since Tag. So um do you mind me asking? Whose is it? 

RACH: Mine. 

MON: and 

RACH: OK don't freak out but I'm not completely sure. I think it's 

[In the museum at the reception.] 

CHAN: Where the hell is Monica and Rachel – we can't go on without the bride! 

PHOE: I don't know. I feel so awful, this is entirely my fault. 

CHAN: **Yeah** it is. 

PHOE: (hurt) Hey Chandler if it wasn't me you and Monica wouldn't be together. 

CHAN: How'd you figure that? 

PHOE: If I hadn't found my brother. 

CHAN: (looks confused) OK 

PHOE: Well Frank asked me to have his babies and if I'd of said no I'd of gone to Ross's wedding and stopped Monica from making a horrible mistake and sleeping with you. 

[Joey approaches] 

JOE: Chandler the crowd is getting restless. 

PHOE: OK look, I'll go do my act now 

CHAN: (sarcastically) Oh it just gets better and better. 

PHOE: (singing) 

#It's the wedding we all anticipated, when Chandler and Monica got related, though like me you may be shocked and cry, cause Chandler married a woman not a guy# 

CHA: (to Phoebe) Do you have any songs that don't emphasis how surprised you are about me not being gay? 

PHOE: Yeah I could do smelly cat. But it'd have to be the unedited version cause that doesn't contain the verse where you had a crush on smelly cat 

CHA: (confused) What? 

PHOE: Never mind (Sings again) 

CHAN: Dear God! Where IS Monica? 

[Outside] 

RACH: I might be wrong. 

MON: God Rach. 

RACH: Look can you um keep that to yourself Mon? 

MON: Wow it's so... 

RACH: Monica! 

MON: I mean, sure of course. 

RACH: Look I've already taken up enough of your wedding day, come on. 

MON: You sure you're ready. You don't have to go back in 

RACH: Mon I am your maid of honour! Besides I'm sure Phoebe distracted them; they won't care that I am pregnant. 

[She gets up and wipes her eyes with a tissue] 

[Inside] 

ROSS: Phoebe's songs are getting worse Chandler you better do something 

[Rachel and Monica walk in] 

MON: (to the F.r.i.e.n.d.s) OK Rachel would prefer it if we didn't talk about well her pregnancy so Ross I guess you're up. 

[Ross taps his champagne glass] 

ROSS: OK after Rachel's little performance [everyone shoots him evils] (he coughs) OK so um well this is a great day for me. I'm not sure if all of you know but they got together at **my** wedding so I'm hoping Chandler has some secret sisters I don't know about or you know I heard he's mom was free again but lets not go there well lets not go there **again**! 

[Everyone looks shocked] 

CHA: Dear GOD. 

ROSS: (defends himself) Well um it was just a drunken kiss. She's a cute mom 

CHA: (to Monica) Isn't this just how we always imagined our wedding to be? 

ROSS: So um Chandler. Well as Phoebe SLIGHTLY touched on in her songs, people always thought Chandler would be gay. If I'd known I would not have shared a room with him in college (Looks at Charles) um not that there's anything wrong with being gay 

MON: (to Chandler) Ross is dead. 

CHA: (standing up) The best man! 

[Everyone claps and chandler sits down Monica nods thankfully at him] 

ROSS: (to Chandler) I wasn't finished 

CHA: (to Ross) Ross you've just confessed to doing stuff with my mom and insulted my dad wow it's like the first time I met my uncle Dave and the pizza delivery guy. 

[Later on] 

PHOE: I'm SO sorry Rach. 

RACH: It's OK Phoebs it was an accident. 

PHOE: No really. I just feel so bad. 

RACH: It's OK if I really wanted it to be secret I wouldn't have told you. 

PHOE: EXCUSE ME!? I can keep secrets. 

RACH: Like? 

PHOE: Like the time Monica and Chandler had sex in your bed until their new mattress arrived. 

RACH: WHAT! 

PHOE: Never mind that Rachel I wanna know. 

RACH: Know what? 

PHOE: come on Rach, you're pregnant. Stuff like that doesn't happen everyday. 

RACH: What'd you want to know? 

PHOE: whose is it? 

RACH: I - I don't know who the dad is. Look Phoebe. It's our best friends wedding. I'd prefer it if we left it till tomorrow. 

PHOE: OK sure. Rachel I really am sorry though. I didn't mean to blurt it out. I was just shocked! 

[To the bride and groom] 

CHA: So what did Rach say? 

MON: She told me who the father is – well who she thinks it was - but Chandler please don't ask me. I promised I would keep it to myself. 

CHA: (jokingly) OK sure, but unless you tell me I am not putting out tonight 

MON: OK fine. 

CHA: I mean it. No – sex – for - you. 

MON: That's fine, I can cope with that. 

CHA: (getting scared) So can I. 

MON: (scoffs) Yeah right. 

CHA: (demandingly) Yes I can. 

MON: This no sex pact has been killing you. There's no way you'll be able to keep it up any longer. 

CHA: We'll see, shall we? 

MON: Fine. (Pause) Oh isn't that my cousin Cassie over there dancing with her new girlfriend? 

CHA: What? Where 

[Monica laughs] 

MON: Good Luck hubby! 

[Rachel and Joey are dancing] 

JOE: Are you really pregnant? 

RACH: Yeah I guess so. 

JOE: So what you gonna do? 

RACH: I have no idea. 

JOE: You're keeping him right? 

RACH: Him? 

JOE: Yeah I always imagined you'd have a son first. 

RACH: Really? 

JOE: Yeah. 

RACH: You think about that stuff cause 

JOE: (cutting her off) OK Rachel I need to know. Is it mine? 

RACH: Shh. [whispers] Listen Joey 

JOE: I know we promised to ignore that night but if there's any chance of me being the dad I want to know. 

RACH: No Joey. Look we were drunk and I know for a fact that you're not the dad ok? 

JOE: OK. 

[They don't speak and just carry on dancing] 

MON: Wait a minute [punches Chandler] 

CHAN: What the **hell** was that for!? 

MON: What did Joey mean when he said you ran away before the wedding? 

CHAN: Oh yeah I was hoping we weren't gonna concentrate on that 

[Rachel is sitting at the bar by herself drinking] 

UNCUTE BARMAN: Hey, so what's with the mood? Didn't you catch the bouquet or something? 

RACH: (taking offence) Actually I've already BEEN married. 

[Ross approaches] 

RACH: Here he comes now. 

UNCUTE BARMAN: Him? Oh right, now I understand about the mood. 

ROSS: Rach can we talk? 

RACH: Sure. 

ROSS: Look I can't help but thinking. Well you're pregnant and not so long ago we - you know... 

RACH: Ross I don't want to talk about this. 

ROSS: Well you gotta cause I want to know. 

RACH: Please Ross just leave it. For today? Please. 

ROSS: OK Rach. But I wanna tell you now if I am that baby's dad 

RACH: Ross please. It's Monica's day. I'll discuss it with you tomorrow. 

[Chandler's dad approaches] 

ROSS: OK Sure Rach as long as you distract him – I mean her. 

[Ross runs off] 

TIME LAPSE 

[Phoebe is sitting by Chandler's mum and dad] 

PHOE: So I like your nail polish 

MRS BING: Thanks. 

PHOE: Actually I was talking to Charles. 

[Rachel walks over to the bar] 

CUTE BARMAN: Drink? 

RACHEL: Sure I'll have a Vodka no wait make that an orange juice. 

CUTE BARMAN: Kay you're depressed and drinking orange juice at a wedding – you're pregnant right? 

RACHEL: (smiles) That obvious? 

CUTE BARMAN: No actually I was at the ceremony and heard that blonde girl say! 

RACHEL: You know Monica and Chandler? 

CUTE BARMAN: Who? 

RACHEL: Do you make a habit of going to weddings when you don't even know who the bride and groom are? 

CUTE BARMAN: I got to work early so slipped in. Besides weddings are the best way to met women as pretty as you. 

RACHEL: I'm pregnant. 

CUTE BARMAN: But I happen to know that you're single. 

RACHEL: How so? 

CUTE BARMAN: That Italian guy? The one who's almost drunk the bar dry 

RACHEL: Joey? 

CUTE BARMAN: Yeah him. I asked him. So how come you're single and pregnant then? 

RACHEL: Just am. 

CUTE BARMAN: Do I know the father? 

RACHEL: If you do would you mind telling me? 

*PLEASE* leave a review – I'd really appreciate it! :D 

I'll continue soon as long as people are interested. 

Holly xxx 


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